Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Foreplay, Steps to a Happy Marriage! (A man's words of wisdom) Part 3

Remember Henry and Marcia from Part 2 of a Happy Marriage? Immediately after I had posted about them, Henry wrote and said he had been working on something for the blog specifically from a male's point of view or in his words, "the male version...a bit more carnal!", a shot of "male testosterone."  What an honour!  Henry, the dashing-at-every-age French man, shares little treasures from his marriage and the beautiful thing about it--- every bit is true! It's not just words or a show but this is the way they live out their love! 
I hope Henry doesn't mind me sharing this, but on one of his emails to me, he added a sweet little P.S. which shows just how genuine these two are. 
      P.S. I'm making the morning coffee for us right now.  I do this every morning to bring it up to Marcia to start her day. (Job of my own making.) She's my queen. 
Thank you, you two lovebirds, for falling in love 45 years ago and for staying in love every day since. 

Before I write about what makes a happy marriage, I'd like to cite a paragraph that Montagu Don wrote in the introduction of his book, The Sensuous Garden.  He is referring to a garden, however the same could be said for loving, a necessary ingredient in a happy marriage.  He states, "Sensuous (gardening) is easy.  It happens.  As sentient beings we have no choice in the matter.  But unfortunately most of us stumble around in a state of frozen sensibility, too busy to feel, too focused on the getting and achieving things to allow sensations to lead us wherever they might go, and too influenced by rationality to give them the importance they deserve."

I'm flattered that Amaris asked if she could post the link to my blog on hers.  A couple of weeks after her marriage to David, while at Sapa,  I felt an enormous need to tell her something.  I approached her and said,  "I just want to tell you.  Always make each other your best friend."  She thanked me and I walked back to where I had been.

Amaris is compiling some info on happy marriages.  Even before reading that blog,  I thought I'd write a journal about that subject for her to use in her blog.  I didn't know that the blog had already been posted to Facebook.  That little gal is on task!

Here is a picture that sets the scene.  It was taken as one to show the usual setting for our evening meal. The flowers were there because I SURPRISED Marcia with a bouquet for Valentine's Day.  
This is an after breakfast shot of us watching a raw milk presentation on the computer.
My point is that the table is the focal point in our lives.  That's where we commune and talk.  From what I see, gathering around the table is no longer as prevalent in many homes as it used to be.  The other thing we don't have is a TV in the bedroom.

Marcia eloquently stated our earlier advice in the blog that was posted.  We walk to the same drum beat. But, that was from a woman's perspective.  I'd like to say something about how to foster feelings that should be helpful.  Kind of, from a male perspective.  We men are visual animals.  Sight is a great motivator.  The girls know this from a very early age and strive to attract the unsuspecting male by making themselves look beautiful.  Bottom line to that is, both of you, "Burn the pajamas!"
I don't ever remember wearing pajamas.  Way too constricting and uncomfortable.  If you feel that you must wear them to bed, hang them on the bedpost in case of fire, or whatever!

We men would be perfectly happy if making love were more akin to a bee gathering pollen!  Just buzzing around and flitting from one gorgeous flower to another, doing our thing! Alas, that's not the case!  We have taken upon ourselves a very tender and hopefully passionate mate.  She's a delicate flower.  She has to be approached with finesse.  That's not a weed whacker that you're so proud of! So don't approach her in that manner. 

I know my next remark will cause some of my very dear friends to drop to their knees and pray for me.  Thanks, but hold off and read.  There is one very important tactic used to deflower her, repeatedly if need be!  That is 'Foreplay'.  Oddly enough the dictionary says that is a 'mutual' process.  To take all the voodoo out of it,  I'll give you some examples.  

We wake up every morning and wish each other good morning and kiss.  The kiss isn't anything passionate (better that way in case one has morning breath!), but it does set the tone.  When she passes me, while I'm being a couch potato,  I make a couple of sounds with my lips, as if I were pecking her on the cheek.  This says,  "I see you and I love you."  She acknowledges with the same sounds and smiles, as she heads up the stairs.  We have established a code between ourselves that says, "I love you."  It's usually the pecks, and in public a very stealth triple squeeze of her hand. 

Marcia also has this little thing that she does.  Out of nowhere, she says, "Henry." and looks at me with this little cute grin. (I've been there many times before.)  I answer, "WHAT?" in a snappy, irritated manner!  She then continues with the look that tells me that she's being loving and says, "I love you."  I know I'm getting close to getting lucky tonight!  We are constantly holding hands.  When we're out and about, I've had strangers stop us and say how pleased they are to see that going on at our ages.  One lady even added,  "It gives me hope to try harder!", as we were in a grocery store's parking lot.  Believe me when you get something like that said to you, it makes you realize what kind of impact you're having on people!  It says it all. 

Sometimes I'll pass by her and merely pat her on the butt and sometimes, I'll add, "Belles Fesses!" (in French the ending e or es is not sounded.)  I hardly ever give her a gift or buy her flowers on designated events that demand those things.  I love to give her those things when I'm moved from within to do so.  Be creative in your expression of love.  We run the house as partners.  We acknowledge that some duties are gender oriented.  She's just as likely to be found at the end of a 2 x 12 board or spare shovel as I am to  be wiping dishes or fixing a meal.  We're a team.  Team members look out for each other.  This also carries over to the bedroom.

We eat our evening meals in candle light (daylight during summer nixes that).  That's one of our very special times together.  we do the same when friends come to visit.  I understand that when kids are involved, some of these little things are impossible.  You have to seize the moment!  It's a whole different ball game.  You younger people can save some special time of your own choosing.  Spend time together as lovers and not just as mates. 

Show an interest in each other's interests.  That's a biggie.  I can still sometimes see M's eyes glazing over when I try to explain one of my projects.  I can also see myself listening to one of her girly things, wishing that my eyes wouldn't glaze over! 

When we got to bed, I snuggle up to her and we wish each other goodnight with a kiss.  We try never to go to bed angry.  It's difficult to do this, even though we don't feel like it, because of some spat we've had!  Yes, we occasionally, not often, cross swords!  C'est la vie, and not the end of the world!  I guess that takes us full circle.  LOVE, (and its expression no matter how slight), is the key.  Touching is the magic.  It's important to touch your mate, both physically and emotionally, with your words and actions. 

Men, bear in mind, there will be some days when a chillingly loud silence will descend upon you.  You won't know why or how.  The 'when' will be quite obvious!  It was mostly likely something you said or did.  (Not exactly the touching, I recommended above.)  The only recourse you have is to shut up and tread lightly.  It will come to pass.  It's merely a result between the male and female temperaments.  
Remember, they are precious, delicate flowers and we are NOT!

I don't put these events forward as a recipe.  I certainly don't claim that it was all part of a strategic plan.  I just run on feelings and love.  Every couple has its own routine, as it should.  That is exactly what Amaris is wanting for her blog. 

You say, "HEY, I thought you were going to show us some foreplay moves!" I say, "I did!"

That's the foreplay (the little everyday things) that leads to the other foreplay!

Living life is like a dance.  You first have to get a FEEL of the music.  LISTEN. FEEL the BEAT.  Let it tell you how you should move.  Never look down at your feet.  It'll only distract you.  You might think you're going to stumble.  You won't.  You both want this to be a good dance.  Hold on tightly.  This allows you to feel the moves that your partner is TELEGRAPHING to you.  DANCE, ENJOY and LAUGH, even at the stumbling points. 
"Make every day a day full of telegraphing."  Believe me, when cuddling there's no better way to telegraph your intentions than with the PJs hanging on the bed post! 

With that last statement,  I'll bring this journal to a climax.  I could have said, "I'll close".  But that would not be I. 

P.S.  Don't pass up on love.  There's no playing catch-up! 

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